Depression and Online Dating

If you happen to have a knack for personalizing every single fucking thing, then this might resonate with you. 

I've been online dating for roughly 8 years or so and very little has changed from then to now. One of the most abundant messages I've received were along the lines of "hey" or "how u doin", you know, the usual bullshit. But then, sometimes I'd get much more direct messages. The messages that called me a "bitch" for not responding back or a "cunt" for turning down the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to critique a sender's dick pic. Granted, dating is hard for a lot of us, but it's especially hard when you're dealing with chronic depression.  

Now, you're probably thinking "Are you really in a position to date?". Well, people with chronic depression, other mood disorders, or personality disorders are probably going to have bouts of depression at one point or another in their lifetime, whether single or not. With that being said, I don't feel that it's fair to deem these individuals unworthy of a relationship. But, because this is the general consensus, it leaves people feeling like maybe they aren't worth being loved or even treated respectfully simply because they are currently dealing with a mental illness (or multiple illnesses). This brings us to the term personalization.  

Personalization basically means you blame yourself for things that are out of your control. It also means believing that whatever is being said/done to you is a reflection of your character. So because online dating is filled with creeps and dumb-asses galore, personalization may be a frequent occurrence. Who am I kidding? It WILL be a frequent occurrence. Being insulted, disrespected, or even just ignored enough times can have you feeling that maybe you deserve this. That maybe you really are whatever label these strangers keep giving you. The thing about chronic depression is that, even if you know you have amazing qualities, it feels almost impossible to remember any of them in these moments. 

Personalizing in general can make life seem like it's filled with nothing but dread and, in the dating world, it carries into future romantic relationships we attempt to build with others. I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm able to maneuver a lot more smoothly through dating sites, simply by reminding myself that I can't control how others choose to act towards me. If I ever feel that it's becoming overwhelming, then I stay off for a while until I'm ready to start back up again. I've also been doing a lot of positive self-talk. Whenever I'm sexually harassed or disrespected in any capacity online, I simply tell myself a single mantra; "How people choose to treat you is not a reflection of your character." It's a bit long, but for me, it has a 90% success rate of me not losing my shit. Overall, it's made my online dating experience better than it's ever been, despite the dumb-asses.